Warning: The pictures on today's blog may induce sayings of "Holy (insert expletive here)!!!" Proceed with caution.
Today when I got to the hospital, the first thing John said is "today's nurse is no bueno.." (it's cute how we speak Spanish after Mexico, I know :)) and then he wanted to go for a walk right away. We took a nice long walk and asked if they'd change his sheets when he was gone and get us a fresh "dress." The nurse was ridiculously incompetent with even the simplest of tasks but the assistant hooked us up and even gave me a foam cleanser so that I could give John his sponge bath (FYI: not as sexy as it sounds). We got him cleaned up and into a rockin' new dress and back into his bed to start the day. His doc had ordered some blood for today so with us watching every move very closely and the task taking twice as long as it should with Nurse Nincompoop, the blood was going in. With some time to kill, I busted out my rainbow of polishes to give John some fancy toes to look at while he was laying there. He decided on blue with a glitter topcoat. Viola!
Once the toes were dry, we put his racing socks on and hit the road for another walk. When we came back it was time to take out the blood iv. Nurse Nogood started to take it apart and it dripped. then it dripped some more. then she decided to hold it over John and she went to the other side, dripping blood all over him and his bed. Then she got it tangled with the other tubes and dropped it on the ground. Then she left it there while she attempted to untangle everything, leaving more blood on the ground. Finally someone came in to help her and she decided to back away and take John's vitals. She had the audacity to say "your blood pressure is a little high" and I couldn't bite my tongue and mentioned that it might be because she just dripped blood all over him. Finally she left us to our bloody mess and the assistant came in and changed the sheets while I helped John into his second new dress of the day. Unfortunately for us, there was another blood iv that we had to have. Nurse Failure came in and voiced some questions aloud to the universe while hooking it up and finally John asked her to please verify what she was doing with someone who knew. At that point she said "Its just hard because we don't do that many transfusions or epidurals here" -record scratch- whoa! a) "we" as in Providence Medical Center? um, I bet that's not true. b) if you mean "I" then I would LOVE to talk to your supervisor about why you were assigned to us and c) are you freaking kidding me?!?! You are telling a patient that you don't really know what your doing as your putting fluids into his body?!?!?!?! Then she added it that is was extra difficult because you needed double signoff in the computer. um, may I be the first to say THANK GOD! anyway, after this, we told the assistant nurse that we would like to officially request to never see this nurse again and the assistant took care of us for the rest of the shift. Of course our next nurse, like everyone else with the exception of Nurse Whoshouldn'tbeanurse, was delightful and took great care of us.
Now!! What you've all been waiting for!!! Da da da daaaaaaa! May I present to you: The exit wound!
Let's zoom in on that shit:
John thinks the belly button is in there somewhere, I think its gone. Either way, it will be one hell of a scar.
PS: Mr Rock, you are beaten, and I officially declare the contest over.
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